Family

Monty turned one!

by Sarah on October 10, 2008

in Life,Thor,Tuck TV

On September 29th, Monty turned one year old. He is the rambunctious son of our neighbors Ben & Judy.

The Arnold Family

We celebrated with cake from Three Dog Bakery, which based on the look on Thor’s face is delicious.

 

Happy 1st Birthday Monty!! from stuckee on Vimeo.

Chloe eating cake

Thor and Monty

Thor and Monty had a blast. Chloe just tolerated Monty because she is a one man gal and her universe revolves around Thor. I am hoping this will change, because Chloe needs a little spice in her life and a love triangle would be just the thing.

Normally I wouldn’t say this, but for that evening I consider it a blessing that they couldn’t talk. Because I am sure all we would of heard was “MORE CAKE! MORE CAKE! MORE CAKE!”

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Should I feel offended?

by Sarah on October 8, 2008

in Family,Nada

My mother, The Balance-To-The-Penny Bookkeeper Extraordinaire, just purchased a long overdue iPhone last night. She was testing out all the ring tones with my father, deciding what should play when he calls her. She came upon “Duck,” which makes a delightful quacking sound. Simultaneously, in perfect stereo, they exclaimed “That should be Sarah!”

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How is this a compliment?

by Sarah on October 6, 2008

in Daniel,Life

Yesterday I was laying on the sofa when Daniel comes up to me and points out the insignificant, barely noticeable, no point in even mentioning if you value your life, stretch marks on my outer thigh. This was mistake number one. Mistake number two was saying to me “My baby got thick real quick.” Seriously, did he just say thick? A women does not like ANY of her body to be referred to as THICK. Perhaps you can be speaking of her boobs, but then the word would be voluptuous, never ever, no way in hell do you say thick. In my mind, “thick” is just a stone’s throw away from “fat.”

He then tries to redeem himself by saying that the words (that he just vomited out of his mouth) were in fact a compliment. A COMPLIMENT! Daniel tries to explain by saying that I had stretch marks 10 years ago when we first started dating. (Yes, he is STILL talking about them.) The conversation continues with me wondering how he can be so stupid, and him saying that the stretch marks just mean that I grew from a child into a women fast, hence causing stretch marks. By this point I still don’t see where the compliment was hiding. (And if he says “stretch marks” one more time I will be forced to spike his coffee with laxative tonight.)

Daniel then says that I misunderstood everything that he was saying, and that what he was actually thinking was “Boy, you are sexy.” Why the fuck couldn’t he just say that from the start. Let me make it very clear. . . stretch marks DO NOT equal sexy!

I wonder what he will be saying after I have a baby. . .

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Not just 15, but 17 beans.

by Sarah on October 5, 2008

in Daniel,Life

Last night Daniel and I cooked soup from scratch. For other couples this might be ordinary, but for us this is quite remarkable. I say this because generally Daniel will turn his nose up at anything that I want to prepare, usually having something to do with the presence of tofu or the lack of melted cheese.

Plus, I don’t cook very well. I am not very coordinated in the kitchen and most often, I don’t even enjoy the food I make. But last night was an exception. At 10:30 in the evening we peeled, chopped, stirred, and simmered. And by 1:00 in the morning, the “17 Bean & Barley Soup” was done. I am considering it a success. Daniel is excited to eat it and I didn’t cut any fingers off. Be proud of me.

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A couple weeks ago Thor had a routine dental cleaning at Vanderhoof Veterinary Hospital. So now I am supposed to brush his teeth daily to keep his teeth pearly white. I am proud to say that I haven’t missed a day yet. However, if Thor could talk, I am sure he would have some choice words for me about his new evening routine.

Every night I sit on the floor and call his name. He knows without even seeing me that he wants nothing to do with anything I have to offer. I usually have to beg him to come to me, for what seems like forever because it is usually the middle of the night and I am so tired that I barely want to brush my own teeth let alone his. Finally he will slither over to me with the same look on his face every time. The look that says “I know that is a toothbrush in your hand, but you are going to use it to slowly pry open my chest and remove my kidney.”

Eventually I finagle his mouth open and brush his teeth with his own special chicken-flavored toothpaste. The whole procedure takes me less than a minute, and afterward he continues with his usual perky self. However, I guarantee that tonight I will call his name and he will shoot me a look that says, “I know that I survived last night and the night before, but tonight I AM SURE that you ARE going to use that toothbrush to slowly pry open my chest and remove an organ.”

Daniel is off from work tonight. It is his turn to inflict the inhumane torture on our poor innocent Thor, so his breath won’t smell like ass for one more day.

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Ironic

by Sarah on September 5, 2008

in Daniel,Marriage

I believe that in a typical marriage it is not uncommon for a wife to ask her husband to bring home milk after work. At the very least, this seems like a relatively simple task. It does not require incredible human strength or an IQ greater than Einstein. It is not as revolting as unclogging a toilet or as tedious as matching socks. However, for the life of me, I can’t get Daniel to accomplish this little request of milk. And he works in a fucking supermarket.

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The way men think

by Sarah on August 27, 2008

in Daniel

A few weeks ago Daniel and I had an argument. I love him to death and I can’t even remember what we fought about. I have racked my brain for the last few days trying to remember with no luck. It most likely had to do with the amount of time he spends being a “bachelor”. . . hanging out at the studio, playing video games, staying out ’til 3 in the morning. . . all that mischief.

Since I am (at times) a supreme drama queen, I threw him out of the house. But it was only for about 4 hours until it was time to go to sleep. Seriously, does that even count? Instead of trying to figured a way to get back in my good graces (because of course I was right and he was wrong,) he posted a ridiculous ad at easyroomate.com complete with a squished photo of himself.

Daniel's ad for roommate

Did I mention how much I love him? Even the way he spelled “was’nt” and “curcumstances.” And the way he says he can afford $800 a month. For an extra $500 a month I would sleep with his dirty socks by my pillow.

Honestly, if he could take that much initiative at home, we wouldn’t have any problems.

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abby

This is Abby. She is the first cat that I adopted. It was around the year 2000, my Father-In-Law found her in a tree outside their house hanging out with their cats. They referred to her as the “Ice Cream Cat.” I don’t understand why they called her that, but if you knew my In-Laws, it wouldn’t surprise you. I brought her home, but eventually my mom decided that she was no longer my cat. And so began the trend of my mother adopting what seems like every cat in Pasadena.

Let me make it very clear, I did not write this. But I wish I did. This is taken from James S. Huggins’ Refrigerator Door website. It is just so frickin’ hilarious and true that it wouldn’t be good enough to just link to it and say “read this.” When you read this, feel sorry for me because I live in a household with six cats.

Guidelines for Cats

Doors:
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

Chairs and Rugs:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human’s bare foot.

Bathrooms:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything . . . just sit and stare.

Hampering:
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping”, otherwise known as “hampering.” Following are the rules for “hampering”:

  • When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
  • For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
  • For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
  • For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim-to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

Walking:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

Bedtime:
Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

Play:
This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important, though, to maintain one’s dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say “I meant to do that!” It fools those humans every time.

Cat Games:

  • Catch Mouse:
    The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!
  • King of the Hill:
    This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account.

Warning: Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.

Toys:
Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a good toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys.

  • Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can’t play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
  • Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss (& Q-tips) also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on.
  • When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your dignity.

Paper Bags:
Within paper bags dwell the bag mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for bag mice is fair game for a sneak attack, which will usually result in a great Tagmatch.

Food:
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed.

  • When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
  • Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table. Never drink from your own water bowl if a human’s glass is full enough to drink from.
  • Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent. Your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave.
  • Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don’t forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the “softest” human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the “direct stare”, and twining around people’s legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.

Sleeping:
As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If it’s in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.

Scratching Posts:
It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren’t around won’t help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is not recommended.

Humans:
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one’s Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.

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Saturday was a big day.

by Sarah on August 12, 2008

in Daniel,Family,Photos

Kristina got married.

cutting the cake

And Daniel got his groove on.

Daniel dancing with Kris

Two momentous events in one day.

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May I take your order?

by Sarah on July 30, 2008

in Daniel,Nada

Me: “Babe, I’m making pancakes. Do you want any?”

Daniel: “Yes. I would like two pancakes and a parched egg.”

Me: “What the hell is a parched egg. You mean a poached egg.”

Daniel: “Its a very thirsty egg.”

Me: “I love you dumbass.”

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